Twenty-Six

In three days I will turn 26. How did that happen? Wasn't I just writing about how scared I was to turn 25? Like yesterday?

I'm not as panicked about 26. I don't know why. I don't think I accomplished anything this year I should be especially proud of. We've sort of half remodeled our kitchen. I've half written a play. I got a pretty substantial raise at work this summer that I'm not totally sure I deserved. But really, I've done nothing.

I'm at a weird place right now. I need a project (as if play-writing and kitchen-remodeling aren't enough!). But not a project like that. I need something personal--like an exercise program, or a writing class, or grad school. I need something that will make me better. Because right now I feel like a need a 10-day nap.

Along these same lines, I decided to dye my hair a few days ago. I needed a change. So I bought a cheap box, and now I look like this. This is what happens when I fall into this weird place.

Like nearly everyone around me, I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Basically, I'm SAD because it's so dark and cold all the time. I haven't spent any time outside, in actual sunlight, or breathed any fresh air in months. Because if I were to step outside, my skin would literally melt off my body from the cold (or something like that--I don't know the science behind frostbite, but I know there's been cold advisories pretty much every day for the three months).

I'm exhausted in the mornings, dragging myself to work where I stare, slightly dazed, at my computer screen for several hours. Then I go home. I make my way to the couch, curl up in blankets and sit there until I can crawl into bed.

I feel meaningless.

Maybe it's because I'm not coaching or directing right now. Those activities at least make me feel connected to other people, and feel at least a little bit like I'm making an impact on those kids. Maybe its because I'm eating garbage all the time and not exercising, so I know I'm putting on weight and hating the way my body looks. Maybe its because I'm just so tired of being cold all the time. Maybe I'm just ungrateful.

Brett and I are going on a date tonight. We'll brave the snow and the terribly-plowed roads because I need to get out of the house. I can't stand sitting at home watching Netflix for another night in a row. It's a weeknight, and we're going to go out and enjoy our lives.

Plus I turn 26 in three days. I might as well accomplish something this year. Even if it's only eating a nine-ounce steak in one sitting.