Writing About Writing

I loved being a writing major.

I also hated being a writing major.

I loved being a creative environment, spending hours pouring over great modern literature, rediscovering the classics, and of course getting to read and critique my peers' excellent drafts. I loved being allowed and encouraged (and required) to write for hours--both critically and creatively. I loved having deadlines to push me, and ideas that moved me. I loved being surrounded by people who were as passionate about words and language as I am.

I hated handing over a draft to my peers, or the critical eyes of my professor, just to have them vandalize my brand new baby with their red ink. I hated letting go of a piece that I wasn't totally satisfied with, knowing that their remarks would be brutal. Even more than that, I hated submitting a draft that I was content with...even more afraid of what their judging eyes would do to a piece I really loved.

Critique is necessary. It's good. It improved my work exponentially. It also hurt. It made me sad. It made me question my talent and my choice of major. And the fate of any future career prospects. My classmates were all so talented. Everything they wrote oozed brilliance. I couldn't string a proper poem together to save my life...or my grade in Christianity and Writing.

I kept writing. I kept passing my classes. I learned to be strong through a session of slamming. I sat in Bruegger's Bagels on Friday afternoons during our weekly Capstone class. Nodding with every comment, pretending to agree with my peers. Accepting whatever they said about my work, and trying not to take it personally. I would zone out. Looking directly into my classmate's eyes, but not really listening, I would let their face fade into a fuzzy state. I'd hear myself saying, "Mmhm. Yeah. You're so right. Thanks. Yes. That's a good idea. I didn't think about that." But I had no idea what they were talking about. I'd read it later, because I knew they had written it in red pen (in much more cruel terms) somewhere on my precious draft.

Writing is easy--the actual act of putting pen to paper; even the creativity, the idea generation, comes naturally. But giving that writing to someone else, letting someone else have an opinion about it, that's hard.

All of this to say, I haven't had anything published since I quit working for a newspaper. No one has read anything I've written outside of this blog and outside of press releases and marketing stories for SMIF.

That's about to change.

I'm writing a play.

I've been struggling to find a script I like for the play I'm directing this spring. Of course, there are thousands of fabulous plays already written--I'm not trying to suggest I could out-write a classic. However, my guidelines are strict. It's a very conservative school. Anything written in the last 100 years has to be seriously edited for adult content/themes and profanity.

I also have a very strict cast. I have a certain number of actors that need roles--good roles. They have earned the right to have a great part, and I haven't been able to find that perfect number of characters with great roles that I really want. I also have a few actors who want small roles. They want to be involved, but I need to be able to control which roles have fewer lines, so I can cast accordingly.

Thus the idea to write my own play.

The writing has been fairly easy. I've already drafted about 15 pages in a day. Yes, I still have a long way to go, but the characters are taking over and writing the story by themselves. I know the kinds of things I want to have in my plays (excessive physical comedy, strong/funny lines for women, etc.), and I'm writing these in as I go. I can literally visualize my actors performing this play even as I write. It's tailored to my stage, my audience, and my crew. It's perfect.

What's hard, even in this beginning stage, is knowing that at some point, other people are going to read this. They might not think everything is funny. They might not get it. They might even hate it. I'm going to need editors. Their critique is going to be harsh. My actors might not love it as much as I do. They are going to complain.

I'm going to get my feelings hurt. Anything critical said about this play is on me. No more passing it off as bad writing out of my control. I'm both writer and director now. Everything is my fault.

And that's both awesome and terrifying.

The One With One Hundred

This is blog post 100. 

Of course, there are something like 673 posts in my drafts, but this will Published Post Number 100. 

It's taken me close to three years to get to this number—and just as much time to figure out exactly what kinds of things I want to write here. 

I wish I wrote more. I wish I dedicated more time to this blog, as it's basically my only place for creative writing at the moment. 

Don't worry though, I'm writing a play.

On Arranged Marriages

This article. Read it.

Did you read it? Good.

Arranged marriages interest me. It's not anything I've studied, or even observed up close. But in reality, marriage based on love (opposed to chosen by your parents) is a pretty new concept. And as un-arranged marriages began to rise in popularity, so did the divorce rate. Related? I don't know.

Of course, this isn't to say all arranged marriages that didn't end in divorce were successful, or even happy. There is the underlying assumption of obligation—an inherent need to make it work, whether or not both members of the couple (or even one) were happy.

But...getting into a marriage involves some level of surprise, or at least some unknowns, right? Even when you've chosen your own partner, and presumably spent time getting to know each other. Even though Brett and I dated six and half years, there were still surprises. When Brett and I moved into together, I could not believe that he alphabetized his DVDs, but seemed to be blind to the mound of dirty dishes overflowing our sink. He literally had a routine for drying himself off after a shower. He liked to fall asleep with the TV on, while I needed ear plugs and a pillow over my face to avoid the glow. He would set two crazy-obnoxious, high-pitched alarms about three minutes apart, and Snooze each one for half an hour before getting up (THANKFULLY he doesn't do this anymore).

But people go into marriage assuming they know everything, and when these surprises inevitably pop up...then what?

In the above-referenced article, Debie Thomas writes:

All marriages, arranged or not, eventually hinge on compromise and change. But accommodating a spouse is an entirely different activity from enjoying her. Yes, we’ve changed, and yes, we’ve accommodated, but isn’t framing marriage in terms of adjustment and compromise (instead of pleasure, or even affinity), an admission of defeat from the get-go?

No, my elders would say emphatically, it is not. It is a clear-eyed insistence on reality. Delight fades. Feelings come and go. Affinities shift with age and circumstance. Love, though—the practical, everyday love we choose in spite of our differences—is unwavering. But do I have that kind of love?

This interests me. Mostly because I probably would have answered the first question (about adjusting/compromise meaning admission of defeat) with no. Of course you're going to need to compromise and change. Every relationship does—friendship, parent-child, siblings, coworkers...these all require effort, compromise, and change. And especially with a spouse, I love what she says: Love, though—the practical, everyday love we choose in spite of our differences—is unwavering.

But marrying Brett (and loving him) is one of the easiest choices I've ever made. I remember sitting through youth group and college chapels that talked about the seriousness of marriage, and the struggle of choosing to love your spouse every day, despite feelings—despite the hardships. And while there is truth to this (yes, Brett and I annoy each other more than any one else in the world), it's not a struggle. Looking back, I'm concerned about how difficult these speakers viewed their marriage. It's a choice to love, yes, but not a difficult one.

It reminds me of a scene in How I Met Your Mother. Stuart and Claudia have recently called off their wedding over the guest list. Ted and Marshall are trying to get Stuart to take her back:

Stuart: The point is, I wanna get married, I wanna settle down. But right now, that's just not who I am. I'm not a commitment guy, I'm a single guy.

Ted: Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other. Everybody feels this way sometimes. Relationships aren't easy, they're hard work. It's about compromise, growing together, all that Dr. Phil crap.

Stuart: How would you know, you're not even married?

Ted: OK, ask this guy. Nine years he's been with Lily. He's the pro. This guy knows relationships. Tell him, Marshall.

Marshall: Stuart, don't get married.

Ted: Dude.

Stuart: What?

Marshall: I'm sorry. Being in a couple is hard and committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one.

So...can you still love the person this way, even if you didn't choose them yourself. Can your parents really find you "the one?"

I maybe would have said yes to that. Until Debie wrote, "To arrange a life, after all, is to control it. To write its script so exhaustively that there’s little room left for improvisation. And a lot of good stuff happens when you are improvising."

There's a whole lot of improvising happening in this marriage. Most of it is very, very good.

I Really Meant To Love You

A few weeks ago, Brett and I saw Two Guns. Yep, this movie:

There is a moment I haven't been able to get out of my head. Obviously, this movie isn't going to be winning any writing awards, but there was so much power in these few lines, I've been pondering them deeply ever since. It takes place between Denzel and his way-too-young girl of choice. He's undercover, she's his handler--a forbidden romance, ongoing for who knows how long. It means something to both of them, but not enough to either one.

The girl finally has to ask: Did you ever really love me?

And Denzel, in his sweet, raspy voice, finally answers: I really meant to love you.

Good stuff. There's a full blog post coming about these very same thoughts...somehow connected to this Slate article on arranged marriage.

Cliffhanger.

A Wedding Story

Three years ago looked a little like this:

It was a good day. Minus the vomiting. Oh, you didn't come here for a vomit story? Well then you are in the wrong place. Because you are in for a good one.

Brett and I married on Saturday, August 14, 2010. But this story starts back on Wednesday, August 11. Two of my bridesmaids were in town (my sis and my dear college roommate Amy) and they went with me to the theatre to decorate (see above. It looked awesome. Huge thanks to everyone who made it happen--because I sure didn't). We finished up late Wednesday night, and picked up some Taco Bell on the way home. That was the last time I ever ate Taco Bell.

Thursday morning was fine. My mom had picked up bagels for my bridesmaids, and we munched and got ready to head back to decorate at the theatre. My mom was working, so we were there with my aunt. Brett also skipped out on most of the decorating fun.
 
Not too far into the day, I began feeling really dizzy and cold. I decided to lie on the edge of the stage for a few minutes and regain my balance. Since the theatre is housed in the same building as a preschool, little kids and their teachers kept walking by to see what was happening. They all commented, "I hope that's not the bride that's feeling sick!" Of course, it was.

My aunt Kay eventually moved me to the corner edge of the stage, as they were working on putting black fabric on the floor. I refused to go home, and I felt terrible that my bridesmaids were doing all the work. Kay was pulling fake flowers out of a plastic tote near me, when I shot up and said, "I'm going to puke!"

She pushed the tote under my face and I threw up violently. In about 20 minutes, I felt it again, but made it to the bathroom. That was so much worse, because while I had my face shoved in a toilet, 12 preschools huddled around me, some crying, some trying to watch the event. Kay practically carried me back into the theatre. One more round of vomiting in the tote, and unfortunately my mom called my sister in the middle of it.

Aunt Kay. This lady is amazing. Epitome of "fun aunt." Also, let me puke in her tote. Repeatedly.

"Yeah...Lindsay's puking," Karen says.

"What is it?" my mom asks (meaning, do you think it's just nerves? Or the flu?).

My sister, who is a few feet from me, looks over and tells her, "It appears to be some sort of bagel..."

I started laughing, which wasn't helping the vomit situation, but it lightened the mood. I eventually had to admit I was sick and called Brett. I slept on the floor of the theatre until he came and picked me up when he was off work at 4 p.m.

Two more of my bridesmaids showed up (my cousin Amy and my other dear college roommate Alyssa) and they all managed to decorate the theatre perfectly without my help.

Brett took me back to his apartment where we sat on the couch with the tote near by. I threw up every 15 minutes for the next three hours. When we talked about this time later, we had nearly opposite reactions.

Of course, we'd both been praying throughout our engagement that God would show us if this marriage was really what he had planned for us. Throwing up three days before the wedding was not a good sign to me. And Brett holding my hair back, seeing me at my most vulnerable, was pretty sure to scare him away.

However, according to Brett, he had been praying that God would show him if he could really be a good husband to me. He was praying for reassurance that this was right. And he believed that after taking care of me, even when I was at my worst, proved to him that he could do this and make our marriage work.

Around 9 p.m. my mom and Kay picked us up and drove me to the emergency room. I had to keep drinking blue Gatorade because I would throw up every few minutes no matter what (I also have not drunk blue Gatorade since that day).

My bridesmaids all met me at the emergency room, where they played Doodle Dice in the lobby for a few hours until I was discharged. They are all incredible girls, and I'm so thankful they were there for me. I got some STRONG anti-nausea meds and an IV for the dehydration (it took almost half an hour for them to find a vein because I was so dehydrated and all my veins were collapsed).

Eventually they determined it was food poisoning (no kidding. Taco Bell is the devil). They stocked me up with pills for the next few weeks and let me go home. Brett stayed by my bed the whole time and assured me that we would get married in a hospital room if we had to.

I made it through all of Friday sipping apple juice and eating nothing solid. I maybe had one cracker at our rehearsal dinner. I lost close to 12 pounds in three days...my dress fit better than it ever had in any of my fittings (that's the silver lining of this story if you're looking for one).

On Saturday morning I was exhausted. I ate a banana while my sister did my hair. I was pretty much a zombie through all the picture taking. I have a lot of memories of that day, but it hardly felt like seven hours. My wedding party was wonderful, and my photographer was a lifesaver. I'm so glad for the people who surrounded me that day--they were all very precious gifts.

No idea what's happening here. Karen and Amy may be driving...?

I told Brett to hold my hands tightly during the ceremony. I was worried about fainting since I hadn't eaten in three days. The whole wedding was around 15 minutes which was perfect. When the Rocky theme song came over the theatre speakers, I knew I was married. And I hadn't thrown up in front of everyone I knew.

Back in the foyer, Emily charged at me. This is one of my favorite photos of the entire day:

This girl is my kindred spirit.

Our reception flew by, I was thankful to be wearing a much lighter, cooler dress, and to have my hair pulled back.

 Two dresses = best decision of the day. My mom actually altered this one from a hideous, long-sleeved, Salvation Army monstrosity. It turned out beautiful.

About an hour before we left the reception, I threw up in the bathroom of the little ballroom. I was terrified of it starting all over again. I spent the rest of the reception sitting in chair while Brett schmoozed our guests. He's still a little bitter about that.

I looked like this.

We had to stop back at the theatre quickly before we left on our honeymoon, and I threw up in a paint bucket there. That meant our entire drive to Bloomington was a little shaky--and I held an ice cream pail on my lap.

Thankfully that was the end of it. I recovered (though I don't think I ate solid food until about Tuesday of the next week). While it was not exactly the dream day I was thinking of, it all worked out. I always have to laugh a little when I hear girls stressing about their wedding planning now. I really just want to tell them even if you have Taco Bell food poisoning, it'll still be the best day of your life.

Oh yeah, and that guy who held my hair back while I puked all over his toilet? He's still pretty cool. 

He sends me flowers at work.

And he's pretty hot.

We look like babies on our honeymoon.

I love you, Brett!

30-Day Shred Journal

During the month of July, I completed Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. It was not fun or easy, you can read about my thoughts here and here. 

I also kept a journal every day after the workout. It's kind of amusing to read now (but good for me to know, in case I get the crazy idea that I should do this again).

 

Day 1 (Level 1)

I completed the entire workout, though much of it following the modified version. My arms are shaky. I started with 5-pound weights (because I like to think I’m strong than I really am. Who am I kidding, my upper body is soooo weak!), so I struggled through a lot of the strength training parts. Jillian is a meanie, but it’s what I hired her to be. Brett laughed at me through a lot of it (especially when I yelled at Jillian), and commented more than once on how sweaty I was. Good sign, right? I was pretty sore the next morning, and did some yoga stretches to loosen up. 

Day 2 (Level 1)

My endurance was better for the cardio and strength both. My arms are still shaky and feeling it the most, probably because they need the most work. My endurance and legs are in adequate shape from running, but my arms and abs are little pansies. Today was rough because we had a doubleheader softball game tonight, so I was really feeling it during the game. However, I hit really well and beat out a couple ground balls which could have been throw outs. I’m already feeling faster and stronger. The next morning however, I felt like I got run over by a truck. I tried to stretch, but I’m still so sore. I kept hearing that Day 2 is the hardest, but I have a feeling Day 3 is going to kick my butt.

Day 3 (Level 1)

I felt it today. Since I was still super sore from the softball game the night before, this workout was brutal. I pretty much put it off until late evening, hoping I would recover. It was a rough one, but I made it.

Day 4 (Level 1)

Today was July 4, so I think I surprised myself by actually working out. I got up early, since we were planning a day trip to Stillwater. Walking all over Stillwater actually helped loosen some tight muscles, so I’m really glad we did it. I knew I needed to Shred, since I wasn’t sure I would eat very well over the 4-day holiday weekend.

Day 5 (Level 1)

It was a free day off work, and I still worked out. I’m incredibly proud of myself. Today was also the first day that I could do all the difficult strength moves for the first time. Let me explain. In circuit one, the strength move is a squat and overhead press. I was squatting every time, but only pressing every other…give my screaming arms a break. Same with the lunge/bicep curl in circuit two. I was lunging, but only curling every other time. Day 5, I had a breakthrough and was able to do all the arm moves along with the video (other than the shoulder raises in circuit three. I’m still only doing every-other of those). I’ve actually noticed the most muscle toning in my arms. They feel stronger. They’re still much thicker than I would like, but I can tell they are building strength. I did a weigh in today, and I’m down 1.5 pounds.

Day 6 (Level 1)

I did even better today with my arms and endurance. My calves are bulging (they’ve basically returned to high school Lindsay form), and my quads are tightening as well. I definitely pulled a muscle in my quad (I think it happened during softball, not the Shred, but it’s not helping). I’m going to have to take a break and rest tomorrow.

Day 7 (Level 1)

Yesterday (Sunday), I rested. My quad needed it if I was going to prevent further injury. I wanted to do this whole thing with zero days off, but I think that was pretty unrealistic. So I’ve decided to take Sundays off. That will give me one day of rest each week to let my muscles recover. I was actually afraid that if I took a day off, I wouldn’t start again, or if I did, I would lose what I had gained. Not true! I started right away on Monday and felt great. The arm exercises no longer make me shaky. I feel good and strong. My endurance was up, and the pushups were practically easy! I still can’t do 100 percent of the side lunge/shoulder raises in circuit three, but I think I’m getting closer. Those have always been my weakest muscles, even in my regular weight lifting days.

I’ve actually been eating really healthy—though not counting calories or anything. While I wanted to make the most of the Shred and lose as much fat as possible in a month, I didn’t set out to change that much. However, it’s sort of been its own motivation. I realize that whatever junk I put in my stomach, I’m going to be trying to work off the next day during those killer jump rope minutes. If I’m Shredding to lose, then I don’t want to hurt my chances and just eat junk all month. I’ve cut out almost all sugar and processed food. I’m filling in with a lot of fruits and salads. I’ve drunk nothing but water. I’m hoping it helps!

Day 8 (Level 1)

I hit the exercises hard today, despite the fact that I had both a softball game and volleyball game later in the evening. Thankfully, we didn’t end up playing the volleyball game, because I rolled my ankle and re-strained my quad during softball. I’m really ready to be done with level one, because I have all of Jillian’s lines memorized. But I’ve heard that level two is horrible, so maybe I’m not so ready.

Day 9 (Level 1)

I tried to take it a little easier on my quad for the lunges on that side, but really push my arms. I made it almost all the way through the shoulder raises (had to skip a couple), but everything else I’m doing well. I don’t feel like I’m going to die during the jump ropes, and I can even bunny hop the whole time, instead of alternating legs (like a skip) for a few seconds. I’m down a total of 2 pounds since I started. Not exactly earth shattering, but I hope that means I’m gaining muscle and melting some fat. Only one more day of level one!

Day 10 (Level 1)

Well, I made it to the end of level one. I tried to push myself, and the only thing I couldn’t do start-to-finish was the arm raises. My shoulders are still weak! This makes me a little nervous because I know level two is filled with planks. And planks take shoulder muscles. This will be an adventure.

Day 11 (Level 2)

Woah. Level two is no joke. At one point, Jillian says, “I want you to feel like you’re going to die.” And let me tell you, I did. I had to do a lot of the modified versions, but I do hope to work my way up. I know my endurance is better, but my arms are still weak and holding me back. The squat thrusts and plank jacks—yeah…not so good.

Day 12 (Level 2)

Today was Saturday, so I had cleaned the entire house before Shredding. That was probably good because it helped loosen up my stiff muscles. Apparently Day 2 of every workout is the hardest, so I hope that means the worst is behind me…I doubt it though. This level is out of control. But I tried to push because I knew I had Sunday to rest and recover. Also, I ate half a pizza afterwards. Oops.

Day 13 (Level 2)

I’m still only down two pounds from my starting weight, but my pants are definitely starting to fit better in my hips and thighs. Brett keeps telling me I look skinnier, but he might just be saying that because he knows how hard I’ve been working…and he doesn’t want me to feel bad that I’m not getting any results. There is actual, noticeable definition in my triceps, and my shirts are feeling looser around my arms. I wish I was losing more from my waist, but I’ve heard that you lose the most around your middle during level three. I can only imagine what kind of nightmare awaits in that level.

Day 14 (Level 2)

Today was rough. I don’t know why (maybe because it’s 100* outside and I’m feeling sluggish), but I struggled through this workout. I’m trying to do as many of the “advanced” versions as I can, but I only get through about half of the squat thrusts and plank jacks before switching to the modified version. And my arms are still shaking weakly through a bunch of the difficult strength moves (oh my word, I will probably never be able to do the squat/v-fly move at the end…yikes!). I’m almost halfway done though!

Day 15 (Level 2)

Halfway through level two, and halfway through the entire 30 days! Today I did my workout in the morning at 6 a.m. That was rough. I’m giving blood this afternoon after work—and it’s not a great idea to pump iron the same day after you donate iron (see what I did there?)—so if I wanted to get a workout in, it had to be before work. I was proud of myself for getting up and doing it, but it was a little harder. Since it had only been about 13 or 14 hours since my last workout, I didn’t have the full 24 for my muscles to recover. And I know some people enjoy working out first thing, but I think my muscles benefit from walking/moving around for 8 hours before forcing them to work hard. But I finished it, and now I’ll have extra recovery time before tomorrow afternoon. I’m feeling good. My stomach is starting to shrink by millimeters, and I know my arms and legs look better. I’ve still been eating really well, so I’m sure that’s contributing. Hopefully the second half of these 30 days goes quickly! I’m ready for vacation!

Day 16 (Level 2)

Level two is still kicking my butt. It’s getting a little easier, and it’s getting somewhat easier to eat healthy. I’m getting better at buying groceries and knowing what to stock up on so I can still snack at night and not blow my whole day’s work.

Day 17 (Level 2)

I still struggle through the squat thrusts and plank jacks. I try to push myself to do about 10-15 and then switch to modified version for the rest of the time. I’d been using five pound dumbbells, but I couldn’t make it through the whole time for a lot of the strength moves. I didn’t really want to go buy lighter ones, so I took the two and half pound circle weights off my adjustable dumbbells. So for some of the harder moves, I use two and a half pound weights in each hand and stick with the five pound dumbbells for others. Of course, it’s way more awkward to hold the circle weights, but it seems to be working.

Day 18 (Level 2)

Today I weighed in at six pounds under my starting weight! However, I weighed myself later in the day, and two pounds had sneakily climbed back on. It’s definitely slow going. I’ve been taking photos every five days as well, and to be honest, I can’t really see a difference. I know my clothes are fitting better, but I’m not sure I’m actually changing my body much. That’s disappointing. These last two days have been rough. I’ve really struggled and had to do more of the modified moves. I feel like I should be getting better and stronger, but I’m not. I’m actually feeling weaker. Not very good.

Day 19 (Level 2)

I think a day of rest is just what I needed. I took Sunday off as usual, and today the workout went much better. I actually completed one whole circuit of squat thrusts and plank jacks with no modification! Small victory, but still sweet.

Day 20 (Level 2)

Yikes. I am done with level two. That was a rough one—much harder than level one…which I guess is the idea. Today’s workout was really good. I felt strong, and also a little like I was dying. I’m still amazingly sweaty afterwards, and sore, and tired, but definitely in a good way. I’m not looking forward to starting level three tomorrow, but I’ve heard that level three is when the body changes the most. I’m going to work hard, because after that is vacation! Hopefully I’m slimmed enough to wear a bikini and not look like a monster on the beach.

Day 21 (Level 3)

Well…level three. It’s tough, but I prefer it to level two. It seems to go much faster. The moves aren’t necessarily easier (the ab moves are killer!), but it seems like I can push through it easier than level two. I’m not sure I’m shrinking like I’d hoped, but I’m getting stronger. On Tuesday, I could actually hit a softball out of the infield—5-5 in our final game of the season! Not too shabby! Of course, the jump training is ridiculous, and I can do about four jumping lunges before I have to switch to regular lunges. I’m trying to push, because I know my inner thighs are a big-time problem. I know I’ve shed some fat from that area, so doing all those ridiculous sumo jumps/squat jumps/rockstar jumps could really tone my legs nicely if I keep it up.

Day 22 (Level 3)

Still pushing. There is an end to this madness! It’s getting exciting because I know vacation is coming soon (the last day of this Shred, we will leave for beautiful northern Minnesota). I’m excited to get away for the last week of summer before volleyball preseason starts…and also to be done with Jillian for a week.

Day 23 (Level 3)

I. AM. SORE. I think Day 3 was probably hardest on both of the previous levels, so this isn’t too much of a shock. My shoulders and arms are burning—I think it’s the return to the pushups. Today is going to be rough, but at least it’s Friday. That means I just need to push through one more Saturday workout and then a rest day on Sunday. I’m down a total of five pounds from the start.

Day 24 (Level 3)

Well…today was a struggle. It was Saturday, and I did lots of fun things, like go to Crazy Days and shopping at the mall. I kept putting off shredding as long as possible, saying “I’ll just take a break and do it tomorrow instead.” I finally sucked it up and just did it and it was fine. I’m starting to do more of the advanced moves and fewer of the modified moves, because honestly this level is easier than level two. I’m just to the point where I want to be done. I want to be able to skip a day if I’m not feeling it.

Day 25 (Level 3)

It was good to have Sunday off. We went to Hyvee for lunch and then had a Breaking Bad marathon with some friends. But I was ready to knock out this last week of shredding today (Monday). Since I had plans to meet one of my girls for coffee after work, I got up at 5:45 and shredded early in the morning. It was really nice to be able to come home from work and not have to work out. I should shred in the morning more often.

Day 26 (Level 3)

Ugh. I woke up feeling horrible this morning—my back muscles are aching from this level, and my allergies are not handling this weird cold snap very well. I decided to sleep in and not shred before work. But that meant I had to shred when I got home from work—which was a staff day. So after traveling all over in a coach bus (including an hour drive home after a wine tasting), pretty much everyone fell asleep. I was so exhausted that I decided to nap in bed for half an hour and get up when Brett got home to shred. And I’m shocked I actually did this. It was definitely a “fake it til you make it” moment. I pulled myself out of bed and put on my work out clothes. I kind of stumbled downstairs and set up the video. But once it got going, I really pushed myself hard through the workout. It was good, even though my shoulders and back are still screaming at me.

Day 27 (Level 3)

Three more days. Three more days. I keep chanting that in my head over and over, trying to keep myself motivated. I’m doing more of the advanced moves now in level three, but I’m still waking up every morning with incredibly sore shoulders and back. I know that’s because those muscles were so weak to begin with, they’re really being shocked into use now. I’m wearing a pair of capris my mom handed down to me a few years ago, but I never wore because they were uncomfortably tight in the thighs and butt. I’m thinking I’m going to need to add them to the “donate” pile at home though…because they’re too big! Even with a belt, they’re barely staying up, and they actually look a few sizes too big around my butt and thighs. That’s pretty amazing. I haven’t taken any of my measurements yet to know how many inches I’ve lost, but I am curious to know. I feel like my clothes are fitting much better, and some of my “fat pants” look too sloppy to even wear to work anymore. And some size 4 and 6 capris I’ve kept for many years even though they were getting too tight to be appropriate are fitting nicely. I’m glad I’m doing this…but I’ll be even more glad when it’s over.

Day 28 (Level 3)

Today was one of those days that I put on my workout clothes and sat on the couch for a long time, trying to convince myself I didn’t need to shred today. Unfortunately, there are a lot of days like this. But every single day when I finish stretching and Jillian congratulates me, I always think, “that wasn’t so bad.” Honestly, the hardest part is just starting. Once you get going, it goes so fast.

Day 29 (Level 3)

I was off work today, trying to clean and pack before vacation. I cannot believe that day is here already! More importantly, I cannot believe I’m almost done with this shred. This month flew by. Level 3 was so good—I liked it way more than level 2. It seemed to go by much faster. Only one day left!

Day 30 (Level 3)

I almost, almost didn’t Shred today. We were leaving for vacation this morning, and I just kept telling myself, “why does that last day matter? How much is it really going to do?” Well, I finally dragged my body out of bed and downstairs. I know the last day didn’t really do that much to change my body, but I also knew that I would have hated myself if I completed a 29-day shred and wussed out on the last day. I went hard, telling myself that this. was. it. I never had to do these moves again. Go hard because this was my last shot. 

Thus ends the 30-Day Shred saga. I promise you don't have to read any more about it. But feel free to ask me about it, and I will tell you!

30-Day Shred Review

Every day I was working through Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred, I kept a journal. I included the entire thing in the next post. When I was trying to decide if I was going to follow through with this program, I googled a bunch of other people's Shred journals, and it was amazingly helpful. It was good to know what levels were hard, what people liked, and if they even thought it worked.

If you’re reading this because you googled “30-Day Shred Results” because you’re on the fence about doing it…here’s my advice: do it. Just start it. Every day gets easier. There are days you will not feel like doing it. Do it anyway. Take one day a week off (I took Sundays off) and just push yourself to that day. If you've already started and wondering if you should keep going: yes. Keep going. It gets better. The results are coming.

This whole thing was a struggle--I'll admit that, and you'll read it in the journal. This was not easy. Every day I had to figure out how I was going to make it work—between work conflicts, other commitments, meetings, and even just hanging out with friends. I felt like I was in a constant struggle to figure out if was going to have time to shred and shower—and not shower three times a day.

During the workout, yes, you want to die. But one of the greatest feelings in the world is taking a cool shower after an intense workout. You will get results. Drop 20 pounds in 30 days? No. That is not going to happen. But my arms look better than they have in years. My back is strong and muscular. I lost three inches off my butt. My thighs no longer jiggle when I run up the stairs. I’ve lost about three inches off my waist, and I’m back into my skinny pants. It was worth it. All the sweat, all the rug burns on my elbows (seriously, use a yoga mat or blanket for Level 3), all the sore muscles. Totally worth it.

Although, on the last day, at the end of the video when Jillian says, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I may have yelled, “No you won’t!”

I also took progress photos every five days. But those are not likely to see the light of the internet day.

30-Day Shred

On July 1, I started a journey. A horrible, painful journey--the kind that nightmares are made of. I started Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred.

There's going to be about three blog posts on this adventure. Mostly because if it was only one, it would be so obnoxiously long, you would hate me. But don't worry. This is NOT going to turn into a fitness blog. These posts are the end of it. I promise. 

I kept a journal of my shredding experience. So here's the beginning of why I ever started this in the first place:

Today, I started Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred, because I am insane. For a while now, I've been very...displeased...with my body. Mostly because I feel exhausted all the time (because I like to eat garbage) and slow. I've been running fairly consistently (2-3 days a week), but I'm slow. When I play softball, I can't run out infield hits like I used to, I can't hit the ball out of the infield because my arms are weak. Playing sand volleyball is much harder than it was only a few summers ago. I used to be fast, covering much of the court myself because I had multiple pregnant teammates. Now, if the ball is not within a step of me, I know I have no chance of getting there. Just walking around in the sand for 45 minutes feels like an intense workout. Which is sad.

I’ve also become increasingly displeased with how I look. My sister used to make fun of my arms when we were growing up. I’d be brushing my hair, arms raised above my head, and she’d comment on how ridiculous my biceps were bulging. In high school, the guys called me Seabiscut (…legs like a racehorse), and everyone pointed out how defined (and enormous) my calf muscles were. 

I was brushing my hair a few weeks ago, and noticed my arms. They are large and not muscular in the least. They are weak. I’ve gone up several jean sizes since I’ve been married. I get tired when I have to walk long distances (like across a parking lot). I know this is all very vain, but it’s also very honest. I do not like the way my body looks. 

Yes, I have never been a skinny minnie. I never plan to be. My shape has always been “athletic.” That’s all I plan to be now. I want to be strong and healthy. But I also want to look good.  

Thus, The Shred. I’m a natural competitor (understatement). The idea of an intense workout program that promises results and only requires a 30-day commitment was incredibly appealing to my hyperbole personality. I like working out hard. I like sweating. I like pushing myself—but recently, I haven’t known how. I run, I lift occasionally, but I wasn’t doing anything that was really pushing myself. So I enlisted Ms. Michaels. Well-known drill sergeant. 

We’re busy during the summer, so a 30-minute workout is ideal. I don’t have an hour or more to spend doing something like P90X or Insanity. Plus, when I’ve tried workouts like that, many of the moves are much too advanced for me. I can’t even get a workout in because I’m too weak to do the workout which is supposed to help me work out (which is possibly the saddest, most frustrating feeling in the world). And dance workouts are out of the question. 

30 days seems realistic. I get bored with workouts (okay, I get bored with most things that last any extended amount of time). I tend to get really pumped and excited about trying new things…and then the novelty wears off, and I’m so over the whole thing (which is why Brett calls me “Hyperbole”). 

Another great reason for this Shred timing is because we are going on our annual Family Vacation the first full week of August. I’m completing The Shred for the month of July, so I will just be finishing up in time for vacation—hopefully ready to wear a swimming suit and hike some gorgeous Up North trails without feeling like I’m going to die. 

Do I expect to be Kate Upton by the end of 30 days? No. I just want to be a better version of Lindsay. 

Hopefully, I toned, muscular, strong, and skinny version of Lindsay.