On Arranged Marriages

This article. Read it.

Did you read it? Good.

Arranged marriages interest me. It's not anything I've studied, or even observed up close. But in reality, marriage based on love (opposed to chosen by your parents) is a pretty new concept. And as un-arranged marriages began to rise in popularity, so did the divorce rate. Related? I don't know.

Of course, this isn't to say all arranged marriages that didn't end in divorce were successful, or even happy. There is the underlying assumption of obligation—an inherent need to make it work, whether or not both members of the couple (or even one) were happy.

But...getting into a marriage involves some level of surprise, or at least some unknowns, right? Even when you've chosen your own partner, and presumably spent time getting to know each other. Even though Brett and I dated six and half years, there were still surprises. When Brett and I moved into together, I could not believe that he alphabetized his DVDs, but seemed to be blind to the mound of dirty dishes overflowing our sink. He literally had a routine for drying himself off after a shower. He liked to fall asleep with the TV on, while I needed ear plugs and a pillow over my face to avoid the glow. He would set two crazy-obnoxious, high-pitched alarms about three minutes apart, and Snooze each one for half an hour before getting up (THANKFULLY he doesn't do this anymore).

But people go into marriage assuming they know everything, and when these surprises inevitably pop up...then what?

In the above-referenced article, Debie Thomas writes:

All marriages, arranged or not, eventually hinge on compromise and change. But accommodating a spouse is an entirely different activity from enjoying her. Yes, we’ve changed, and yes, we’ve accommodated, but isn’t framing marriage in terms of adjustment and compromise (instead of pleasure, or even affinity), an admission of defeat from the get-go?

No, my elders would say emphatically, it is not. It is a clear-eyed insistence on reality. Delight fades. Feelings come and go. Affinities shift with age and circumstance. Love, though—the practical, everyday love we choose in spite of our differences—is unwavering. But do I have that kind of love?

This interests me. Mostly because I probably would have answered the first question (about adjusting/compromise meaning admission of defeat) with no. Of course you're going to need to compromise and change. Every relationship does—friendship, parent-child, siblings, coworkers...these all require effort, compromise, and change. And especially with a spouse, I love what she says: Love, though—the practical, everyday love we choose in spite of our differences—is unwavering.

But marrying Brett (and loving him) is one of the easiest choices I've ever made. I remember sitting through youth group and college chapels that talked about the seriousness of marriage, and the struggle of choosing to love your spouse every day, despite feelings—despite the hardships. And while there is truth to this (yes, Brett and I annoy each other more than any one else in the world), it's not a struggle. Looking back, I'm concerned about how difficult these speakers viewed their marriage. It's a choice to love, yes, but not a difficult one.

It reminds me of a scene in How I Met Your Mother. Stuart and Claudia have recently called off their wedding over the guest list. Ted and Marshall are trying to get Stuart to take her back:

Stuart: The point is, I wanna get married, I wanna settle down. But right now, that's just not who I am. I'm not a commitment guy, I'm a single guy.

Ted: Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other. Everybody feels this way sometimes. Relationships aren't easy, they're hard work. It's about compromise, growing together, all that Dr. Phil crap.

Stuart: How would you know, you're not even married?

Ted: OK, ask this guy. Nine years he's been with Lily. He's the pro. This guy knows relationships. Tell him, Marshall.

Marshall: Stuart, don't get married.

Ted: Dude.

Stuart: What?

Marshall: I'm sorry. Being in a couple is hard and committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it's not like that, then she's not the one.

So...can you still love the person this way, even if you didn't choose them yourself. Can your parents really find you "the one?"

I maybe would have said yes to that. Until Debie wrote, "To arrange a life, after all, is to control it. To write its script so exhaustively that there’s little room left for improvisation. And a lot of good stuff happens when you are improvising."

There's a whole lot of improvising happening in this marriage. Most of it is very, very good.